Who is Kerry Condon anyway?

While I’m brutally honest, I should mention that on several occasions I’ve told people I have COVID-19 so I don’t have to hang out with them.

POLL: Everything everywhere at once

Best Director

A lot of people don’t know this, but the “director” of a movie is usually the least useful person on set. They literally just hang around, forgetting people’s names and breaking expensive equipment. Especially when the director is Steven Spielberg. That’s what I hear.

Also, I promised my wife I would learn CPR, but I didn’t do it. I have the instructional DVD but I just haven’t gotten around to checking it out. The box has been on the shelf for 11 years. Luckily, no one near me had to be resuscitated during that time or we would all have been in big trouble.

VOTE: Ruben Ostlund (triangle of sadness)

Best actor

I don’t officially recognize films with fat suits. So thank you elvis And The whalethis whole category will be disqualified.

I sang along at university Total eclipse of the heart so loud in my dorm that people started worrying about me. Reports were filed. It was a particularly emotional time and I found much comfort in Bonnie Tyler’s soaring singing…

“Turn around…”

VOTE: Paul Mescal (After sun)

Best Actress

Andrea Riseborough has controversially enlisted the help of famous friends to campaign for her nomination in the supposedly stunning role To Leslie. But the really dirty secret is this To Leslie is the best film of the last 50 years.

Also, I ate an entire piece of pre-made chocolate chip cookie dough in one sitting.

And when I say “sit,” I don’t mean “sit,” because I was standing. In front of the fridge. And when I say standing, I mean crouching. And when I say “before,” I mean “inside.”

VOTE: Michelle Yeoh (Everything everywhere at once)

Best supporting actor

I was a great Judd Hirsch (The Fabelmans) stan since he played Saul fear of court in 1975. He’s a champion and Brendan Gleeson (The Banshees by Inisherin) has been tearing down his acting style for decades.

I’ve told people I meditate, but I don’t.

During lockdown I tried to develop the practice but it didn’t last. And yet I kept the facade. Why? I guess I want (need?) the respect and admiration of strangers. And I guess I don’t want to admit that deep down I’m probably a bit of a quitter.

Wow. He stung. That is not easy.

VOTING: Ke Huy Quan (Everything everywhere at once)

The best supporting actress

Brutally Honest Confession #1: Kerry Condon (The Banshees by Inisherin) hasn’t made a good film since How Harry became a tree in 2001.

Brutally honest confession #2: I’m not 100% sure who Kerry Condon is.

Brutally Honest Confession #3: During an unfortunate two-week stay at a summer camp when I was 12, I met someone who had bullied me at school. When he said I looked familiar, I pretended I didn’t understand or speak English. I was just a boy and I was scared.

There is more:

When my wife asks me how far away I am, I always say “15 minutes”.

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Whether I’m half an hour away or two hours away, my answer is always the same. I can be in my pajamas, still in bed, trapped under something heavy and I’ll always say I’m only 15 minutes away. I’m in the car. (I’m not.) I’m coming around the corner, I can see you. (I can’t.) I’m parking right in front of you, can’t you see me? (I’m not, she can’t.) It’s obviously not a great system, but I don’t know how to stop it.

I often pretend to be friends with Martin Scorsese.

I say he’s a family friend from New York and I grew up going to his house and gave him the idea Goodfellas. I say that I used to call him Uncle Marty and he called me Nicky Little Shoes and that he bought me my first fedora and we still go to Disney World every year.

I’m sorry, just a few bullet points I wanted to make sure I covered…

• I keep a documentary diary from the Second World War. (A WWIIDD.)
• If I shake someone’s hand, I can “read” when they are going to die.
• I haven’t seen a movie since then The boat 1981

VOTE: Jamie Lee Curtis (Everything everywhere at once)

Nick Bhasin is a writer based in Sydney. his debut novel, I look forward to hearing from you, is published by Penguin Random House Australia in June. Keep following him Twitter.