What will we talk about this year? Our crystal ball knows

The thing about today’s pop culture is that it’s totally unpredictable. How is anyone supposed to know that Will Smith could beat Chris Rock at the Oscars, for example, or that the world will suddenly be talking endlessly about Negroni sbagliato for two weeks in October thanks to an interview between two house of the dragon Stars?

But that won’t stop us. We’ve tried this before, and we’ll try again. We’re 100 percent sure we’ll all be talking about it this year.

1: The Rih fatigue
Do you realize that we’re only a month away from Rihanna’s halftime show at Super Bowl LVII, her comeback after almost ten years from becoming a bona fide billionaire and new mom? Unfortunately, it will be short-lived: she will use the set to announce her retirement from music. Didn’t you read the part where I said she’s “a real billionaire and a young mom”? She doesn’t need that.

2: The H&M circus continues

Harry is back with his memoirs.

Harry is back with his memoirs.Credit:Random House Group via AP

After the Oprah interview and the Netflix series, you might have been expecting a Harry and Meghan break in 2023. Not correct. The memoirs of Prince Harry, provocatively titled spare part – a nod to his futile lineage to the crown – is out next Wednesday, meaning Piers Morgan will be furious until Thursday.

3: I’m a Nepo Baby… Get Me Out of Here!
The Nepo baby backlash peaked in 2022, so what’s next? A Netflix reality show, for sure. I think we could all get behind a competition where, for example, Kate Moss’ sister and Brooklyn Beckham are released into the wild to see who can survive without the help of family connections.

4: Beyonce, bring a broom

Beyoncé's 2023 promises Grammys glory.

Beyoncé’s 2023 promises Grammys glory.

The Grammys have been looking for a way to fix their glaring Beyonce issue (see: Adele’s public apology in 2017), and they’ve been masterful with it Renaissance Finally they have their chance. Beyonce will finally be scooping the top categories – including Album of the Year and Record of the Year break my soul – because if she doesn’t, there will be real riots.

5: Welcome back Kanye…
We probably won’t say that in 2023. It’s too early Kanye.

6: Pete Davidson will [concentrates strenuously] Date a new starlet
I know what you’re thinking: “Do you get a bonus for predictions you get right? Because that’s more than obvious.” You’re right. But we might as well have a go: His next lucky con is going to be… Joe Pesci, his co-star in the upcoming TV series, bupkis? That was unexpected.

7: Continued success for successor
Again, an obvious prediction – everyone is already clamoring for the mid-year premiere of Season 4. But giving the season’s villain twist to Tom Wambsgans and cousin Greg? This is Emmy-winning genius.

8: Cate Blanchett, three-time Oscar winner

Cate Blanchett is Lydia Tar.

Cate Blanchett is Lydia Tar.Credit:Focus functions via AP

Yes, Our Cate will win again, this time for her delightfully dope performance as a canceled concert conductor tar. She will also continue the tradition of the Academy’s new winners when she accepts the award from Meryl Streep by slapping her in the face.

9: The biggest cult TV hit of 2023?

I don’t know about the rest of you but when I see Rian Johnson (knife out, glass onion) announces a new TV series with the words “Natasha Lyonne” and “Columbo” nearby, I make a note of the title and premiere date (poker face, out January 27th on Stan, owned by Nine, the owner of this imprint). Lyonne’s mumbling turns Netflix on Russian doll was one of the big things of the decade, so this promises excellence.

10: A Return to Indy Cinema
Considering that the 10 highest-grossing films of 2022 were all sequels or reboots, I don’t think I’ll put myself to the test by predicting which will be the biggest film of the year Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny (out June 30) with Harrison Ford and Phoebe Waller-Bridge. I can’t wait for Fleabag to break the fourth wall with Nazi quips.

11: Barbie queues

Flop or not, we're ready for Margot's Barbie.

Flop or not, we’re ready for Margot’s Barbie.Credit:performance

It’s not just Indy, we’ll also be lining up to see Greta Gerwig Barbie Film (from July 21) – even the blasphemous “Margot Robbie is a flop” audience. It’ll get mediocre reviews, but will be a cult favorite by 2031 (I’m basing this all on the spice world course of things).

12: The next unlikely track to get the TikTok treatment?
2022, stranger things introduced the TikTokers to Kate Bush running up That Hill and Wednesday brought her into The Cramps Goo goo muck, what’s next? Someone gives to the children where am i jumper by the Sultans of Ping FC and see what happens.

13: AI is the answer
In just a few weeks, programs like ChatGPT and Lensa have skyrocketed in popularity, making it only a matter of time before AI is responsible for the next bestseller, hit TV show, or artistic masterpiece of 2023. (Of course, I had planned for ChatGPT to write this blurb for me, but there were at least five login screens before I could even get there, which may have to do with how humans are delaying the upcoming singularity: with sheer Luddite laziness.)

14: The Pang-demic Logia

Gold Logie favorite Sam Pang.

Gold Logie favorite Sam Pang.Credit:Tina Smigielsky

Now hop on the bandwagon: Sam Pang, well-known media recluse and beloved fixture on 10’s Did you pay attention? (and something else Victorians are watching about AFL) will win the Gold Logie in June (the most correct result since Tom Gleeson’s win in 2019).

15: Football fever forever
Still lacking sleep after last month’s FIFA World Cup? Well, the Women’s World Cup, which will be held in Australia/New Zealand in July and August and will be broadcast live by Seven and Optus, will be an appointment viewing. And then, deadline complaints when everyone’s wondering why it’s not on SBS.

16: Teddy Lassothe setback

It sucks to be you in 2023, Ted Lasso.

It sucks to be you in 2023, Ted Lasso.Credit:performance

The third (and supposedly final) season of Jason Sudeikis Teddy Lasso is slated for release mid-year, giving Olivia Wilde plenty of time to conjure up the same circus of bad post-divorce press that has been pressed don’t worry darling. It’s only fair. Prepare for the second part of #Saladgate.

17: Bond, the new Bond
It’s either Henry Cavill who suddenly (and suspiciously) has nothing else to do, or it’s Aaron Taylor-Johnson who appears to have wowed everyone with a secret audition. Anyway, it’s not Idris Elba or John Boyega or Riz Ahmed, so we even care?

18:2023, the year of… Pamela Anderson?

Matthew Perry made it in 2022, now it's Pammy's turn.

Matthew Perry made it in 2022, now it’s Pammy’s turn.Credit:hachette

Both their own memoirs Dear Pamela and a Netflix documentary Pamela, A Love Story is released on January 31, in what Anderson has described as a “raw and unfiltered” look at her modeling days playboy and continue to star Baywatch. After the talking penis fiasco that was Pam & Tommyit’s best that her story is back in her own hands.

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19: The projectThe cast reshuffle will make it a must-watch on TV
Just kidding. So Carrie Bickmore, Lisa Wilkinson and Peter Helliar are out and Sarah Harris, Michael Hing and Sam Taunton are in? This is Australian TV’s Ben Simmons storyline.

20: The winner of the Hottest 100 will be…
Canonical accuracy suggests it should be Beyonce’s break my soul, but bookies currently favor Flume. Dear 2023, why do you have to incite riots now?

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Jaclyn Diaz

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