“Ted Lasso” Season 3 Episode 5: Recap & Power Rankings

The Ted Lasso Power Rankings are a weekly analysis of who and/or what had the strongest power in each episode. Most of the list will feature individual characters, although the committee reserves the right to honor everything from animals to inanimate objects to natural laws and general concepts. There are very few rules here.

Season 3, Episode 5 – “Signs”

DISTINCTIVE MENTION: Jamie (I’m worried the show has no idea what to do with Jamie at the moment, but I appreciate everyone giving him a word like “negativit-eh” that he every week can pronounce); Trent Crimm (the man gets top notch content for his book); Dani Rojas (I don’t like to see him sad); Isaac (he’s sort of the team mom, which is nice); Fingernails (“What’s the point?”): Chris and Arlo, the announcers (having goofy announcers for comic relief is basically just a cliche after Bob Uecker in First League, but I still love these guys); dr Wagner (perhaps do not write the patient “have important results, call after the game”); sorry raps (if you bully me please don’t rap about it in front of everyone); lamb dung (sour); Ms. Kakes (need to know a lot more about her someday); Barbara, the CFO (need to know what was in that drawer); John Wingsnight and Jessica Darling (leave Anthony Hopkins alone)

10. Rebecca (LAST WEEK: 3)

Her team is on a massive losing streak, she seeks advice about maybe firing Ted and then has awkward little interactions with him in the hallways, she sees all sorts of weird signs in the world that make her think that crazy medium was right, she has baby fever so she makes appointments with soccer-mad doctors and she can’t talk about it with her best friend because her best friend makes out with rich ladies in the office after downing warm desk vodka from the bottle.

Otherwise a solid week for Rebecca.

9. Zava (LAST WEEK: 7)

ON THE HAND: He’s a smug dork who makes long-winded speeches about teamwork and loving his wife, and is the kind of person who’s generally convinced himself he’s smart because he’s so good at one thing he’s been able to carve away anyone in his life who could grab his little ponytail and yell “HEY, KNOCK IT OFF” into his perfectly square face.

OTHER SIDE: I’d love to see him run his little avocado farm, maybe as a web series or a whole spin-off. I really hope the farm is in England. I enjoy imagining Zava standing in the middle of a field giving inspirational speeches about soils that are just geologically unsuitable for growing tropical plants.

8. Higgins (LAST WEEK: Unranked)

In a way, this explains so much.

7. Nate/Jade (LAST WEEK: 5/Unranked)

A few notes about this little shop:

• I don’t know if I like the show that humanizes Jade in this way, and so quickly, if only because I thoroughly enjoyed her as a cold and somewhat ponderous host in those short stretches
• I’d like to know how long Nate sat alone at the window table after Anastasia left, because it seemed like a long time, at least from starter to dessert, which is really quite humbling on several levels
• I got extremely hungry watching this scene, which I’m guessing wasn’t the emotion they wanted to evoke when they all sat down to create it, although that’s probably one of the things that stirs more about me testify than the show

Still… very cute. Good for both of them. I hope they have four clumsy little kids who are mean and sometimes spit. Maybe not the spitting. I’m thinking about it.

6. Keeley/Jack (LAST WEEK: Unrated/8)

I guess this is where I should do a big thing about the ethics of chugging up with your big investor and/or boss after a night of vodka and cleaning up lamb poop, or maybe about how it’s a little weird how the show just plain nice is how Keeley bounces from relationship to relationship and how — while it was obvious from the body language on the couch — it struck me as odd that she’s just up and hooking up with women (I mean, good for her if she’s that’s how it feels at the moment, but it kind of screamed in character in front left field)…

…but most importantly, I just want to point out how massively ineffective the privacy screen in her office is when you can look straight through to see a couple of silhouettes start snogging. A set of regular blinds or curtains would work better. This is one of those things where we’ve gone ahead and reinvented ourselves backwards. Someone should be fired. Hopefully they don’t have access to livestock.

5. Ted (LAST WEEK: 2)

The team cannot win a game. The fans scream a lot. His bosses openly yell at him and discuss the process of leaving him as a coach. His kid bullies a poor git named Doug – there aren’t many kids named Doug these days – and takes advice on how to deal with it from his wife’s new boyfriend, who was also her marriage counselor. The best player on the team just surprisingly retired to become a farmer. Not ideal on paper.

AND YET

You saw the speech at the end. You’ve seen him turn off that feedback tone that usually signals a panic attack is on the way. It feels like the classic moment in any sports movie when things are at their darkest and most hopeless just before they turn around. Oddly enough, Ted tends to shine here. He still knows football well and he may not be the best tactician in every sport he coaches, but the man can inspire. That’s his whole business. I don’t know if all this will work out victorious. I don’t think they will win the championship this year. But they will withdraw from whatever that is. That is something.

4. Make a big scene when you get fired (LAST WEEK: Unranked)

I mean, yeah, Shandy was rightly fired. And sure, that was kind of just the “WHO’S COMING WITH ME?” Thing that Jim Breuer did half baked with more swearing and hair. But…

How…

I don’t know. I’ve never made a scene quitting a job and it kind of looks funny. The closest I ever got was when I was a grocery store cashier when I was a teenager and the manager told me I had to stay longer because they were short staffed and I had plans that night so he said no and just broke up. I could have gone on the intercom and played around a bit. I knew the code to use it from the registry. That would have been fun.

We all regret.

3. Mae (LAST WEEK: Unrated)

Runs a tight ship.

2. Roy (LAST WEEK: 9)

A few Roy notes:

• His little monologue about dealing with bullies was so dark and so much longer than I expected and maybe the hardest thing I’ve laughed at this entire season so far
• I hope Trent transcribed the whole thing and included it in the chapter on Roy
• I enjoyed when everyone in the office started making playful little monkey noises and Roy let out a chest-pounding gorilla grunt

Take a second today and picture Roy’s face as he discovers that the woman he seems to regret leaving is now dating attractive, wealthy ladies at work. That’s a fun little picture for you.

1. Coach Beard (LAST WEEK: 1)

You know, you think you’ve finally peeled most of the layers of onion off a guy, and then he just stands up and reveals that he used to perform at a strip club called Man City. It makes sense, I think, given the things we already know about him, including his love of discos and nightlife and hula hoops and…

A moment.

Do you think he…

With the hula hoop…

At Manchester City…

hmm There’s a lot to think about here.